The Empaths as Elites Myth

One of my favourite books from the self-awareness shelves of the bookstore is The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.  This brave woman began an inspiring journey, firstly identifying as a HSP herself, then undertaking groundbreaking research on the topic. Over the years, many have resonated with Dr. Aron’s work, finding comfort, confidence and helpful life strategies as a result. Check out here book here (this is an affiliate link that supports me if you make a purchase).

A couple of decades later, we are starting to use the word Empath more commonly, to describe a very similar concept. Today, I’d like to discuss what an Extreme Empath (EE) is and what life is like for this group. I’m also going to be examining why many EE’s wouldn’t consider themselves to be “elite”, in response to recent articles out there proposing this notion.

First, it’s important to talk about what everyday empathy actually is and how most of us have it, to a degree.

On Everyday Empathy

Empathy is generally known as the ability to perceive something happening outside ourselves and being able to relate to it in some way. Generally, it is easier to relate if our own experiences have been similar. And if we haven’t had those experiences, we can still relate to the human emotion connected to whatever was happening. 

Take accidentally burning your fingers in a flame or hot plate, as an example. You may not have ever felt the sting and shock that comes with a brief scorch, but you can recognise the discomfort someone else is experiencing after doing that. Also, let’s not forget empathy can happen around life’s more pleasant experiences too.

We can also have empathy for non-sentient things. For example, an old building that was once a city icon is pulled down. Perhaps some feel a kind of sadness for the building, or the builder (whose “soul” may reside in their creation?), or the loss of a memorable experience the building gave to so many. It may be seen as projected empathy, feeling emotional on behalf of something that actually doesn’t feel the loss.

Different Versions of Empathy

I feel there are a variety of “flavours” when it comes to expressing empathy. There are too many to go into here, but I would like to briefly do my part to break any stereotyping that describes people living life “on the spectrum” as having “little, to no empathy”. I cannot speak for every case, so I will use a personal example - someone close to me living with Asperger’s Syndrome, may respond less to the emotional external content than I would, but they can certainly understand human, animal and even plant discomfort and show concern.

Take the above example of scorching the skin on a hot plate.  This friend of mine would have their own way of processing what happened: they know the fingers that touched the hot plate contain nerves, which would instantly send signals to the brain when the hot plate was touched, the brain then registers pain and we act accordingly to eliminate the source of pain (ie removing our hand, seeking medication, etc). 

When I once stubbed my toe while texting and walking around the house, this person displayed empathy. They asked if I was ok and needed anything. They told me afterwards they didn’t responded to my howling and swearing, but they recognised that I was in pain and offered to help me eliminate that pain. They said I looked like I needed help, because I was too busy swearing and not attending to the toe! I am grateful to this person for showing me it’s important to respond practically - and these days, I move past my victim moments over my clumsy acts, much quicker!

Therefore, does it matter whether a person is responding from a heart or a headspace, when it comes to empathy? The fact is, they are relating to an experience they are currently not having and showing their version of concern. I believe there’s merit in all the different ways we perceive the world.

Extreme Empathy

Extreme Empathy (EE) occurs when the perception intake and processing of the external environment is - kapow - intense! Perception intake refers to, well, taking in the world around us. As humans, we tend to do this mostly through one or more of the five commonly known senses, or through other perception skills we have, such as intuition.

For EE’s, this intake can be mildly to extremely overwhelming. The degree of overwhelm experienced varies between individuals and there are other contributing factors, such as lack of sleep, poor diet, etc. Therefore, I can only really describe what it might feel like, through a case study type of story:

Matilda is an EE, aged 29, working as a retail manager in an Australian suburban shopping centre. When she wakes up, she hurries to get ready, as she needs to get to work a little earlier than her staff. This gives her a bit of a breather from the intense emotions she usually feels coming from other drivers in the hectic morning traffic. Every honk of the horn makes her retreat inside herself, as if spears were pointed all around her.

She parks in the staff designated parking area. She walks through a relatively empty shopping centre to her store, feeling her spirits lift a little. She likes the open space. She also likes locking herself in to the store to potter about and get jobs done, alone. It’s a pretty shop and she just loves the boho chic vibe.

When the team arrive, they have a quick meeting before they open, discussing what they need to achieve that day. Matilda likes her teammates. She senses how they’re all feeling and usually can accurately predict what type of day each staff member is going to have, based on the vibe they walked in with.

The team turns the lights and music on - and they open the store. Matilda experiences momentary relief opening the doors, to let the wider world in, as it breaks up the growing feeling of being confined within the store, after the buzzy energy from the morning team meeting. Within ten minutes, she feels heavy again under those bright lights and the thumping bass on some of the songs from the shop’s playlist doesn’t help.

All morning, she subconsciously tunes into her team and customers’ needs, and knows just what to do to ensure everyone is enjoying themselves. It’s a “skill” which comes in handy most times, but it’s something Matilda finds difficult switching off, plus people have started to expect her to give them a pick-me-up when they feel flat. Including regular customers.

By lunchtime, Matlida retreats to a dark corner of the food court and is glad to get out of the store. Or if her preferred tables are taken, she huddles with her food in the staff storeroom, but there’s no chance for a proper break, because the music can still be heard through the walls and the staff can still come and ask things. She loves everyone, but just needs a breather from having to answer endless questions, or engage in small talk. She likes to read a book, but usually can’t concentrate in the storeroom.

Matilda returns to the store and “gets through” the afternoon. She finds it exhausting to work with staff who return from lunch breaks on a caffeine high. She’s glad to see them in high spirits and engaging with customers, but she also finds it somehow draining, even if they’re not doing it near her. 

By the end of the day, when the staff have gone home and she’s cashing up the store, Matilda feels a weight off her chest. Then it’s back to battling after hours traffic, as she drives to the gym. She joined because she feels exercise is a good way to combat stress and overwhelm, but the pounding music and the intensity of so much human activity crammed into a closed, medium space, makes her think of battery hens somehow.  Or hamsters on wheels, especially in the cycle class.

At some point, somehow, Matilda has made it home. With annoyance, she tastes the new brand of stir fry sauce she’s trying, which is slightly too tangy than she’d like. Then she has to face getting those bits of dried sauce off her dish before it dries and becomes even harder to scrape off. Eventually, she climbs into bed, exhausted. And begins the whole thing again the next day.

Empaths as Elites?

After reading the above, perhaps take a moment to empathise (pardon the pun!) with how difficult getting through a “simple” day can be for an EE. While Matilda is someone who generally likes the shop she works in and the people she interacts with, her EE nature means she can be easily overpowered by an accumulation of stimuli around her, such the brightness of lights, the traffic, human emotions - and more. So when we hear others out there say EE’s see themselves as “precious members of an elite few”, you could say an EE is probably too exhausted to be precious!

There is another interesting view about EE’s seeing themselves as superior. It comes in response to the growing confidence EE’s have in their strengths. For those who have grown up usually feeling hopelessly flawed for their hyper-sensitivities, it’s a nice feeling to know there is an upside to having this trait. For example, EE’s tend to be naturals at accurately sensing how others feel and can anticipate some things in advance. Everyone has their strengths and finally allowing oneself to feel kind of good about who we are, is hardly a superiority complex.

And finally, when EE’s begin to grow in confidence, an unhealthy cycle gets broken. As a scenario - an EE will feel others’ pain, go out of their way to assist and before they know it, everyone is coming for help. Helping others where we can is great, provided we have enough fuel in our own tanks. Since EE’s are easily drained by everyday life, it’s not wise for them to mismanage their boundaries, if they find themselves inundated by people wanting pick-me-ups, or allow overexposure to technology. Learn how empaths can better handle themselves in this modern pace, in this insightful book “Born for Love” by Bruce D. Perry here (this is an affiliate link that supports me if you make a purchase).

And what happens when an EE’s has constructed healthy boundaries? Some who have become dependent on the endless assistance, may become upset when the help is suddenly withdrawn. This is where the word “precious” can be used in retaliation…”Oh, dear, now you’ve identified yourself as an EE, you’re too precious to help”. However, boundaries usually are unpleasant to those who bend others to their will.

When all is said and done, EE’s generally don’t tend to think of themselves as elite - and are empathetic enough to recognise they’re not so special - and they know almost everyone capable of empathy!

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